Pardon the panicked and not-too optimistic post today, I am only human.
After thinking about what I was just subjected to, which is strange considering I had 3 weeks in the hospital to think about it but didn't give it a second thought after I walked through the door, I just realized how dangerous and scary a procedure I just went through.
So I willingly walked into the hospital, and let them give me enough chemo over a short enough time to kill me. I know the end result is a long and happy life, blah, blah, blah, but just for one moment, I'm going to freak out and just be a little wacky over this. It was and still is kinda traumatic.
Now the doctors will tell you in all confidence that the procedure is "safe" and "routine", but realistically, how many people go through it every year, and what are my chances of survival because I went through it? Will the change in lifestyle I go through over the next few months (not to mention the changes in Ti's lifestyle as well) be worth it in the end? I'm not sure at this point, and we'll have to wait to get my 5 year all clear until I'm comfortable with it all (at least deep down inside).
Now let me compose myself for a moment. I'll even let you in on a secret. I've managed to keep up my spirits and strength because I knew I had to, otherwise I wouldn't have made it this far. From the initial reactions of my family, Ti, and some of my friends upon my diagnosis, I knew I had to be the one to keep a level head when the world around me was spinning so fast and my life took a dramatic turn. I had to be the one to absorb and learn as much as I could without being intimidated or frightened by what I read, so I could be as informed as possible - and as cliche as it is, knowledge really is power. I had to keep myself together when the chemo brought me so low and there didn't seem to be much of a reason to get out of bed in the morning, but I still did. But I mostly did it because no matter how much support and love I get from all of you out there (my friends, my family, everyone at BU, and most of all, Ti) this is my burden, and I'll be dammed if I don't go down without a fight.
I guess that answers the question why I went through the transplant, and calms me down a bit. And I guess that will be the answer for whatever else awaits me down the line.
Talk to you tomorrow.
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3 comments:
You are right about one thing..."Everyone Loves Brian"
;)
Honey, even Superman has a down day... you've been amazing through all if this!
You are being amazing throughout this whole thing. When Dave and I left from visiting you a few weeks ago, we were very quiet for the rest of the day. Your experience is very humbling to us and has given us a whole new perspective. It's hard not to think, "how would I be in this situation." I read your past posts and know that you go up from here. So, just remember when you have a down day, there will be a better day to follow. stay strong and enjoy your Twinkies...ick!
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