I just spent the last 20 minutes skimming my past posts. All of them. It brings back memories of the anxiety I had, and the processes I had to go through prior to going to the hospital for the transplant. Memories of the 21 days at B&W where they almost killed me only to bring me back "better than before". And memories of just getting home and how sick and weak I was. There are many holes I haven't filled in the story, many details you'd rather not read about or I'd rather not write about. In some cases it's a little bit of both. But it's been difficult.
I feel like this part of the story is coming to an end, and in many ways, next Wednesday will mark the end of this portion of my recovery. I am excited but also a little scared. I want to go out and eat whatever I want (within reason, I still have to be careful), go wherever I want and do whatever I feel like doing. But the past 6 months, especially the past few that I've been home, have made me a little timid. Of what exactly, I'm not sure. I feel safe and secure inside the condo, but scared of resuming my life again. I want to get back to work, there's much to do. I want to go back to doing what I used to do on the weekends. I want to spend time with the people in my life I haven't seen in so long. But I don't want to do any of that as well.
Monday we cross another bridge: a meeting with the radiation oncologist at B&W. Then we will meet and decide my fate and discuss whether or not I need to be zapped. I'm a little nervous about that, but hey, who wouldn't be. In this regard I am tasting freedom for the first time in months only to be brought back down to "cancer patient" status because I might need rads. Since I love analogies, it's like being handed a check for a million dollars while being kicked in the nuts repeatedly by a woman in spiky high heals. Maybe not as painful, but an emotional yo-yo for sure. Yay, ouch, Yay, ouch, Yay, ouch.
I also have come to a conclusion that I need to start going to bed before 3 am. I only recently started getting this bad, and I have a feeling that in a few weeks it will come back to haunt me when I get the all clear to go back to work. But we'll see.
Good night all. Sweet dreams and all that crap.
- B
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Bed before 3?!?! When will you watch all the great TV?
You've been through so much Honey... you deserve a little "normal" in your life! DO not fear the Normal! :)
I remember this stage so candidly. I remember wanting to grab life by the horns, but at the same time wiping hand sanitizer on those horns, for fear of 'what could happen...'if I wasn't careful enough.
I also remember, re-reading my blog... at this point. I think, a lot of us do that. When we see the light at the end of the tunnel. We go back, to the pain, re-live some of the hardest moments, really think to ourselves -- is this over? For real? Or at least almost over.
Just think of these next few weeks, and months, as the last few battles that are ending this war. For you.
After transplant, I think we realize that we're no longer naive to the world. We know what real pain and suffering are, and we're aware of how unjust life can be. But, what others don't necessarily talk about as much? Is the fact that, because we have tasted this bitter part of life -- those sweeter parts. are SO much sweeter.
We, you, Brian, have lived through so much pain. But you will celebrate the little things, the food, being in public, appreciating life, for what it really is.
And, that is something that NO one is able to take away from you.
For now, keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, The transition between transplant, recovery, and real world is extremely difficult.
Give yourself time, and room to feel what you feel. And, realize -- it's okay. Some day, this will all be a distant memory.
Sending you and Ti Love,
Bekah
Post a Comment