Scarred

I know it's been a little while since the last post. This is a cancer blog and I don't have cancer at the moment. Not that I'm expecting cancer to come into my life again, I just don't have it now. So I'm not sure what to do with the blog. I'll try to update it so everyone who is following it can keep in touch with how I'm doing, but I can't promise how often I'll do so.

Last week we met with all of my medical staff at DFCI. They looked me over, asked me questions to see how I am doing, told me that I'm all done with treatments, and told me to come back in 3 months for a scan. (Well, I have to go back a little more often for flushes for my port) I'm in the post-treatment recovery period. I'm still missing hair, I'm still a weakling, and I can't walk up 2 flights of stairs without getting winded - although to be honest I don't know if could do that prior to the cancer either. So I'm rebuilding my life, brick by brick.

I'm back to work pretty much full-time. It is overwhelming, as I've said a few times, but I'm dealing with it. I'm going to the gym a few times a week. I wear myself out, but for the sake of eventually getting better and having more stamina and strength. We're prepping for the wedding. Things are moving forward whether I'm ready for them or not (Not a knock about the wedding, Ti). I didn't dive head first back into work a few months ago when I went back. But now I'm swimming in the deep end. I'm starting to make long-term plans for the summer, and some for beyond for both work and life.

I'm also tired. Of pretty much everything. I need a vacation - I just don't want to be at home. I need to relax, I need to breathe deep and take in air that hasn't been processed by 1000 cars. I'm almost past the "I fought cancer and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" feeling, because I have to get past it. There is still a little of that lingering, but its fading. As my health improves, I expect my attitude, my opinion and how I act to improve. I'm angry, and my patience hasn't really recovered, a combination that doesn't help me anywhere in my life. But I'm working on getting past that too. There isn't anyone to be angry at, just circumstance, and you can't really be angry at circumstance because it doesn't yell back.

Which brings me to the point of the post. These days, I have scars. Lots of them, all over my body. Most of them are from dealing with my Lymphoma, especially the emotional and mental ones. In time they'll heal. They'll fade away like the ones on my neck, back and chest. But for now they're still a little tender and exposed. The good news is there is only one direction to go, up. I'm not going to promise anyone that I will be more positive. I just promise that I'll be getting better. Right now the scars and healing I have to do aren't really on the outside anymore. I have to adjust to the fact that I pretty much missed most of a year of my life, and had it replaced with the most difficult thing I imagine a person can go through. There may be worse things, but let's not discuss that here.

It's a nice night. I think I may go for a walk. I dunno where yet, but I'm sure I'll find something.

Talk to y'all later.