I think. I'm not sure where I am right now. I'm between being completely done with this part of my life, and being relapsed. For almost 6 - 7 weeks I've had two very swollen glands underneath my jaw, about the size of walnuts. Of course, to the normal, non-cancer surviving person, it's just the lingering effects of an infection. To me, and to probably anyone else that experienced the hell my wife and I went through in 07 - 09, it's a sign of panic. I go through all the treatment, the chemo, more chemo, SCT, rads, recovery, restarting to live my life as a once-again "normal" person, to have the visitor I never wanted in the first place to return?
Well, it may not be the case, I just may be paranoid. But we'll find out in the morning. I'm not sure of the stats of possible relapse at this point; I'm not even sure there are stats. (there are - it's just getting late, and I've had a few glasses of wine so I can sleep)
Tomorrow brings another day. We'll just have to wait and see what else it brings.
Maybe good news?
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Bleh.
It's been two years and one day since I came home from the hospital. The transplant was October 28th, and it was 14 days before they let me go. But they almost didn't let me leave. They probably shouldn't have; I wasn't ready.
What the doctors never told me was that life would never return to normal after the transplant; after cancer. I guess I should have known that. Looking back over the past two years, I have spent so much time ignoring the two that came before it. Throwing myself into my work, getting caught up in whatever was going on at the time that I haven't spent much time thinking of what I, and also Ti, went through for a long time. I haven't put anything I should have learned from the experience to use.
Two years gone by since the long road to recovery started and I still have more to go. The physical effects of chemo and radiation have mostly worn off, my beard still isn't even, and the scars and tattoos cover my body. They'll continue to be my daily reminders of the most difficult fight I've ever been through.
But they aren't the only scars I have. I'm still deeply scarred emotionally. There is much hiding underneath the surface that hasn't been resolved or killed off my chemo. Two years out and I'm still as angry, sad and confused as I was going into my first chemo treatment.
I'm not sure if it's normal or not, but as soon as I was well enough, I walked away from the life I had during treatment. Stopped visiting the online boards, stopped reading the blogs of others fighting their own fights, stopped everything. I can't think this was healthy for me - compartmentalizing a huge part of my life and putting it away like a jacket in a closet. Dealing with my illness, the treatments and their side effects made me try to suck it all in and be as strong as I could. I just never spent time letting it all come back out.
Congrats to Bekah for finally reaching remission. It's been a long, hard fight, and maybe, just maybe, she can take a deep breath and enjoy what tomorrow brings.
Good night everyone.
- B
What the doctors never told me was that life would never return to normal after the transplant; after cancer. I guess I should have known that. Looking back over the past two years, I have spent so much time ignoring the two that came before it. Throwing myself into my work, getting caught up in whatever was going on at the time that I haven't spent much time thinking of what I, and also Ti, went through for a long time. I haven't put anything I should have learned from the experience to use.
Two years gone by since the long road to recovery started and I still have more to go. The physical effects of chemo and radiation have mostly worn off, my beard still isn't even, and the scars and tattoos cover my body. They'll continue to be my daily reminders of the most difficult fight I've ever been through.
But they aren't the only scars I have. I'm still deeply scarred emotionally. There is much hiding underneath the surface that hasn't been resolved or killed off my chemo. Two years out and I'm still as angry, sad and confused as I was going into my first chemo treatment.
I'm not sure if it's normal or not, but as soon as I was well enough, I walked away from the life I had during treatment. Stopped visiting the online boards, stopped reading the blogs of others fighting their own fights, stopped everything. I can't think this was healthy for me - compartmentalizing a huge part of my life and putting it away like a jacket in a closet. Dealing with my illness, the treatments and their side effects made me try to suck it all in and be as strong as I could. I just never spent time letting it all come back out.
Congrats to Bekah for finally reaching remission. It's been a long, hard fight, and maybe, just maybe, she can take a deep breath and enjoy what tomorrow brings.
Good night everyone.
- B
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Last stop, this post
This is the last official post for this blog. I'm officially in remission, I'm being deported on Wednesday (not out of the country - my PORT-a-cath is being removed). And I have enough hair and energy to think that I'm safely on the road to recovery.
So, I'm putting an end to this part of the journey, and moving on. I will leave the blog up for as long as Google lets me, but it will always be a part of my life as well as a story of a cancer survivor that I hope will help others going through the same struggle.
I will be making a new blog that I probably won't update as often either, but will be about a different part of my life. It will be at: http://lifewithscoutandmolly.blogspot.com/
Good luck to everyone. I think everyone could always use a little.
So, I'm putting an end to this part of the journey, and moving on. I will leave the blog up for as long as Google lets me, but it will always be a part of my life as well as a story of a cancer survivor that I hope will help others going through the same struggle.
I will be making a new blog that I probably won't update as often either, but will be about a different part of my life. It will be at: http://lifewithscoutandmolly.blogspot.com/
Good luck to everyone. I think everyone could always use a little.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Ho Ho Ho . . .
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
It's been a year since the transplant (well, over a year), my hair has kind of grown back, I'm married, and own two beagles.
I think this holiday season I deserve to relax and enjoy the hard work I've put into the last two years of my life. I am not sure my bronchitis agrees with me, but we'll work something out.
Talk to you all in 2010!
B
It's been a year since the transplant (well, over a year), my hair has kind of grown back, I'm married, and own two beagles.
I think this holiday season I deserve to relax and enjoy the hard work I've put into the last two years of my life. I am not sure my bronchitis agrees with me, but we'll work something out.
Talk to you all in 2010!
B
Friday, December 4, 2009
To post or not to post
I feel a little guilty over not posting anything for a bit. I did go to Dana twice in the past 5 weeks. Not for illness or anything like that, I got my flu shots among other things. Back in October I got 6 shots at once (3 in each arm), and on Tuesday I went to get my H1N1 shot.
Not that it helped; I'm fighting off something nasty and respiratory in nature. I can feel the fluid in my lungs. If it doesn't clear up, I'm calling my Doc on Monday. I don't need pneumonia for Christmas. Again.
I've at least a full week of fighting this off. :( It started in my sinuses, then migrated south for the winter.
Afrin, Sudafed, Benadryl, Advil Cold and Sinus did nothing.
But anyway, weak immume system warrior fights on. Tomorrow night we have a party to go to. To see people we haven't seen in a long time. I'll try to contain the mucus until an appropriate time.
Ti's making wings, which she only does for special occasions. They're not really that good for us anyway. Lots of fat, sodium and oil. Hmm. . . fat sodium and oil.
Have I mentioned I'm down below my college weight?
Anyway, I'll chat with you all later. Gotta eat before Scout wants to go for his last walk of the night.
Not that it helped; I'm fighting off something nasty and respiratory in nature. I can feel the fluid in my lungs. If it doesn't clear up, I'm calling my Doc on Monday. I don't need pneumonia for Christmas. Again.
I've at least a full week of fighting this off. :( It started in my sinuses, then migrated south for the winter.
Afrin, Sudafed, Benadryl, Advil Cold and Sinus did nothing.
But anyway, weak immume system warrior fights on. Tomorrow night we have a party to go to. To see people we haven't seen in a long time. I'll try to contain the mucus until an appropriate time.
Ti's making wings, which she only does for special occasions. They're not really that good for us anyway. Lots of fat, sodium and oil. Hmm. . . fat sodium and oil.
Have I mentioned I'm down below my college weight?
Anyway, I'll chat with you all later. Gotta eat before Scout wants to go for his last walk of the night.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Happy um, unbirthday?
Well, one year ago today I received my second lease on life. I looked a lot different, was very ill, and wasn't sure I'd make it to 2009. Move ahead 365 days and things are much, much different. Better in many aspects of my life - I'm still here.
Not much to talk about tonight. Ti took me out to a very nice dinner, and we have to walk the dogs soon. Then off to bed.
Technically today isn't anything special. But it will always be important to me. Tomorrow, on the other hand, is a very special day - 4 years since Ti and I started "dating" or whatever you want to call what we did. On that day, we went to Salem in a snow storm. Ended up drinking at a bar for a little bit before getting dinner at the Texas Roadhouse, and then acted like giddy teenagers on the couch.
Jeez, time flies. Sick, not sick, planning a wedding, not planning, it just goes away.
Eh, too much waxing nostalgic for me. Time to walk the beagles.
Good Night! and Big Balls!
Not much to talk about tonight. Ti took me out to a very nice dinner, and we have to walk the dogs soon. Then off to bed.
Technically today isn't anything special. But it will always be important to me. Tomorrow, on the other hand, is a very special day - 4 years since Ti and I started "dating" or whatever you want to call what we did. On that day, we went to Salem in a snow storm. Ended up drinking at a bar for a little bit before getting dinner at the Texas Roadhouse, and then acted like giddy teenagers on the couch.
Jeez, time flies. Sick, not sick, planning a wedding, not planning, it just goes away.
Eh, too much waxing nostalgic for me. Time to walk the beagles.
Good Night! and Big Balls!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Where next?
Well, I've been in remission for quite a long time. It's been a year since I've had any evidence of disease in any of my scans. But I'm not done with the blog yet. October 22nd is my next appointment, and marks my anniversary since being admitted for my SCT. And 19 days from now marks my 2nd birthday. My re-birthday - one year since being saved by my own stem cells.
It's funny to look back and think of how much time has passed, time that I probably should be more grateful to have than I've been. Not that my disease would have killed me that quickly, but my long-term prognosis is much brighter because of the suffering due to the treatment and recovery.
I still have a long road ahead, I'm only 1/5 of the way to where statistics tell us that my cancer won't be coming back. So now there is a chance. But there are too many other important things in life to worry about. My last scan was clean, I'm getting my immunizations soon, and then after my followup scan in Jan, I'm getting my port taken out.
Then the last reminder of my journey that I carry around like a burden will be gone. Leaving me only with my scars.
Cancer sucks.
But at least there was cake. Cake makes everything better.
G'night.
P.S. A mantra for all of those still going through treatment. Say this to yourself every morning you wake up, and every time you're about to start something horrible (chemo, rads, etc.)
I am Superman (or woman)
I can do anything.
I am Superman
I will be recovering.
It's funny to look back and think of how much time has passed, time that I probably should be more grateful to have than I've been. Not that my disease would have killed me that quickly, but my long-term prognosis is much brighter because of the suffering due to the treatment and recovery.
I still have a long road ahead, I'm only 1/5 of the way to where statistics tell us that my cancer won't be coming back. So now there is a chance. But there are too many other important things in life to worry about. My last scan was clean, I'm getting my immunizations soon, and then after my followup scan in Jan, I'm getting my port taken out.
Then the last reminder of my journey that I carry around like a burden will be gone. Leaving me only with my scars.
Cancer sucks.
But at least there was cake. Cake makes everything better.
G'night.
P.S. A mantra for all of those still going through treatment. Say this to yourself every morning you wake up, and every time you're about to start something horrible (chemo, rads, etc.)
I am Superman (or woman)
I can do anything.
I am Superman
I will be recovering.
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