We Walk

On October 13th, Ti and I will be participating in the Light the Night walk, in support of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. In case anyone would like to sponsor us, or even walk with us, here is the link to our team page: http://pages.lightthenight.org/ma/BostonL11/TheGoldenBeagles It is a good cause, near and dear to our hearts. And we get balloons! Go Sox!

And. . . the winner is. . .

NED. No disease at all. All clean.

PHEW.

Apparently my swollen nodes are salivary glands - not lymph nodes. Weeks of freaking out over an infection.

Anyway, resume whatever you were doing.

G'night.

Twas the night before 2.5 year scan

I think. I'm not sure where I am right now. I'm between being completely done with this part of my life, and being relapsed. For almost 6 - 7 weeks I've had two very swollen glands underneath my jaw, about the size of walnuts. Of course, to the normal, non-cancer surviving person, it's just the lingering effects of an infection. To me, and to probably anyone else that experienced the hell my wife and I went through in 07 - 09, it's a sign of panic. I go through all the treatment, the chemo, more chemo, SCT, rads, recovery, restarting to live my life as a once-again "normal" person, to have the visitor I never wanted in the first place to return?

Well, it may not be the case, I just may be paranoid. But we'll find out in the morning. I'm not sure of the stats of possible relapse at this point; I'm not even sure there are stats. (there are - it's just getting late, and I've had a few glasses of wine so I can sleep)

Tomorrow brings another day. We'll just have to wait and see what else it brings.

Maybe good news?

Bleh.

It's been two years and one day since I came home from the hospital. The transplant was October 28th, and it was 14 days before they let me go. But they almost didn't let me leave. They probably shouldn't have; I wasn't ready.

What the doctors never told me was that life would never return to normal after the transplant; after cancer. I guess I should have known that. Looking back over the past two years, I have spent so much time ignoring the two that came before it. Throwing myself into my work, getting caught up in whatever was going on at the time that I haven't spent much time thinking of what I, and also Ti, went through for a long time. I haven't put anything I should have learned from the experience to use.

Two years gone by since the long road to recovery started and I still have more to go. The physical effects of chemo and radiation have mostly worn off, my beard still isn't even, and the scars and tattoos cover my body. They'll continue to be my daily reminders of the most difficult fight I've ever been through.

But they aren't the only scars I have. I'm still deeply scarred emotionally. There is much hiding underneath the surface that hasn't been resolved or killed off my chemo. Two years out and I'm still as angry, sad and confused as I was going into my first chemo treatment.

I'm not sure if it's normal or not, but as soon as I was well enough, I walked away from the life I had during treatment. Stopped visiting the online boards, stopped reading the blogs of others fighting their own fights, stopped everything. I can't think this was healthy for me - compartmentalizing a huge part of my life and putting it away like a jacket in a closet. Dealing with my illness, the treatments and their side effects made me try to suck it all in and be as strong as I could. I just never spent time letting it all come back out.

Congrats to Bekah for finally reaching remission. It's been a long, hard fight, and maybe, just maybe, she can take a deep breath and enjoy what tomorrow brings.

Good night everyone.

- B

Last stop, this post

This is the last official post for this blog. I'm officially in remission, I'm being deported on Wednesday (not out of the country - my PORT-a-cath is being removed). And I have enough hair and energy to think that I'm safely on the road to recovery.

So, I'm putting an end to this part of the journey, and moving on. I will leave the blog up for as long as Google lets me, but it will always be a part of my life as well as a story of a cancer survivor that I hope will help others going through the same struggle.

I will be making a new blog that I probably won't update as often either, but will be about a different part of my life. It will be at: http://lifewithscoutandmolly.blogspot.com/

Good luck to everyone. I think everyone could always use a little.

Ho Ho Ho . . .

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

It's been a year since the transplant (well, over a year), my hair has kind of grown back, I'm married, and own two beagles.

I think this holiday season I deserve to relax and enjoy the hard work I've put into the last two years of my life. I am not sure my bronchitis agrees with me, but we'll work something out.

Talk to you all in 2010!

B

To post or not to post

I feel a little guilty over not posting anything for a bit. I did go to Dana twice in the past 5 weeks. Not for illness or anything like that, I got my flu shots among other things. Back in October I got 6 shots at once (3 in each arm), and on Tuesday I went to get my H1N1 shot.

Not that it helped; I'm fighting off something nasty and respiratory in nature. I can feel the fluid in my lungs. If it doesn't clear up, I'm calling my Doc on Monday. I don't need pneumonia for Christmas. Again.

I've at least a full week of fighting this off. :( It started in my sinuses, then migrated south for the winter.

Afrin, Sudafed, Benadryl, Advil Cold and Sinus did nothing.

But anyway, weak immume system warrior fights on. Tomorrow night we have a party to go to. To see people we haven't seen in a long time. I'll try to contain the mucus until an appropriate time.

Ti's making wings, which she only does for special occasions. They're not really that good for us anyway. Lots of fat, sodium and oil. Hmm. . . fat sodium and oil.

Have I mentioned I'm down below my college weight?

Anyway, I'll chat with you all later. Gotta eat before Scout wants to go for his last walk of the night.

Happy um, unbirthday?

Well, one year ago today I received my second lease on life. I looked a lot different, was very ill, and wasn't sure I'd make it to 2009. Move ahead 365 days and things are much, much different. Better in many aspects of my life - I'm still here.

Not much to talk about tonight. Ti took me out to a very nice dinner, and we have to walk the dogs soon. Then off to bed.

Technically today isn't anything special. But it will always be important to me. Tomorrow, on the other hand, is a very special day - 4 years since Ti and I started "dating" or whatever you want to call what we did. On that day, we went to Salem in a snow storm. Ended up drinking at a bar for a little bit before getting dinner at the Texas Roadhouse, and then acted like giddy teenagers on the couch.

Jeez, time flies. Sick, not sick, planning a wedding, not planning, it just goes away.

Eh, too much waxing nostalgic for me. Time to walk the beagles.

Good Night! and Big Balls!

Where next?

Well, I've been in remission for quite a long time. It's been a year since I've had any evidence of disease in any of my scans. But I'm not done with the blog yet. October 22nd is my next appointment, and marks my anniversary since being admitted for my SCT. And 19 days from now marks my 2nd birthday. My re-birthday - one year since being saved by my own stem cells.

It's funny to look back and think of how much time has passed, time that I probably should be more grateful to have than I've been. Not that my disease would have killed me that quickly, but my long-term prognosis is much brighter because of the suffering due to the treatment and recovery.

I still have a long road ahead, I'm only 1/5 of the way to where statistics tell us that my cancer won't be coming back. So now there is a chance. But there are too many other important things in life to worry about. My last scan was clean, I'm getting my immunizations soon, and then after my followup scan in Jan, I'm getting my port taken out.

Then the last reminder of my journey that I carry around like a burden will be gone. Leaving me only with my scars.

Cancer sucks.

But at least there was cake. Cake makes everything better.

G'night.

P.S. A mantra for all of those still going through treatment. Say this to yourself every morning you wake up, and every time you're about to start something horrible (chemo, rads, etc.)

I am Superman (or woman)
I can do anything.
I am Superman
I will be recovering.

Happy birthday to me

I turned 32 today. That's significant, at least to me, because a year ago I was about to start the process of harvesting my stem cells and then the transplant itself.

Ti and I were at Mohegan Sun last year, we spent a few nights. Margaritaville opened, and we closed it out. That is probably the last time I can remember being pretty buzzed and out somewhere to enjoy it.

Anyway, I had a nice dinner, and a few days of stuff to look forward to. Have a good night, and big balls.

- B

Good Night, and Big Balls explained. . .

So I have closed out a good number of posts with the phrase, "Good Night, and Big Balls!", which is how John Henson (YES, THAT John Henson) closes out an episode of Wipeout!. Which is the bestest game show ever created. Anything where very out of shape people take on an obstacle course where they are guaranteed to bounce off of something and into some water or mud is an instant hit in my book. Not to mention that typically there are multiple obstacles with big balls in them.

Anyway, I am free of cancer, and have decided to take a break from the cancer community. Not a permanent one, just a breather so I can get out of the "I'm sick and need to be around others like me" mentality and back into what life was pre-lumpy throat. I think the online support system, as well as everyone I've dealt with at the hospitals are great - I just want to not dwell on the last two years of my life and move onto the next part.

At the end of this sabbatical, which I figure will be in September/Oct, I'm going to do the LLS Light the Night walk. I'll post about it soon because I need to get volunteers, money, etc. to do it. It's a great cause, and it's for a great group of people who need help - I should know, I was one of them.

I'll talk to you all later.

GN and BB!

Not quite done . . . yet

Well, after some consideration, I'm not done with the blog yet. I still have a few appointments in the next 6 months, including my next scan. I am feeling much better, I don't have much to worry about health-wise at the moment - I'm feeling pretty good. Still not sleeping, but it's not because of stress related to my disease. There are other reasons I'm not sleeping now.

This will not become my dog's new blog, but I have an anecdote to share: last night, Scout, our beloved new beagle, crawled into our bed and flopped onto his side. Then he got up on one paw and started going to town on his crotch. Which happened to be facing me, about 6 inches from my face. I said to Ti, "Why do I get to have that view?" - and as the last syllable from the last word was coming out of my mouth - he turns his head and licks my face. Over my open mouth and nose.

And I still love my wife, even though she's still laughing about this.

Have a good night, and big balls.

Last post?

Well, I have one correction - I had a CT scan with contrast, not a PET.

And I also have big news: As of today's scan, I have no evidence of disease, and the scarred nodes in my system have gotten smaller.

I'm dancing with NED. I'm in remission.

PET scan

We leave in less than an hour. Today is the most important day of the rest of my life.

Nervous doesn't describe how I am. It's how I live.

Tonight I will post my results. This afternoon I will know my fate. Ugh, I hate drama.

News

Read this!

http://scoutandmolly.blogspot.com/

She blinded me with Science . . . Diet

Short post - we're approved for the dogs and will be picking them up on Friday.

Health, Work and too much wine

I have news. Nothing about my health besides the fact that I've lost the ability to stay asleep for more than 45 minutes at a time. Hmm. . . could be because I have my first post-SCT scan IN A WEEK. And as I've noted before, I'm more than a little freaked out about it. I'm also stressed from work, as there are projects out the wazoo, plenty of busy work, and I can't figure out when to take a week off. And to boot, Ti and I (well, mostly Ti) has been packing, cleaning and boxing up stuff every night for the past two weeks for a few reasons - so coming home hasn't been too relaxing. Tonight, a little, but I have less to do than her. First reason: We now have a storage unit to put all the excess that we want to keep into for when we have a larger space to live. Second reason: We're going through all of our bins and boxes, getting rid of clothes, toys, and other items we no longer need or want and donating all of it to charities. We like to spread the wealth. And the third reason is we're expecting two bundles of joy next week. And the place really needs a once over before we let anything four-legged and 12 inches off of the ground loose in here. Not really dog-proofing the condo, just making space for them.
So I get to bed at night and start thinking about a.)my test - and immediately take an ativan b.) work - may or may not take an ativan or c.) life with two dogs and all of the things that involves - good and bad - and usually take an ativan so I don't stay up all night. No matter what time I go to bed, I don't get to sleep until after 1, and I don't stay asleep long :(

In a week or so, almost everything besides work will have a resolution. I'll have the results of the PET/CT, and we are expecting to have two new pets. I'm hoping for good news all around, but if that isn't the case, I'm hoping one balances out the other.

It will be a nice change to have to worry about the well being of something else besides Ti and myself. The dogs will be a welcome part of our family, and hopefully a needed distraction.

And if anyone wants any red wine, let me know. We have lots of left over wine from the wedding that we are not going to drink. I'm up to being able to drink a few glasses occasionally, but nowhere near where I was before. I think I've finally grown up, at least as far as my alcohol intake is concerned. We won't discuss the bachelor party or the Hockey East championship game, but I've been a good boy since day 100. Mostly.

Good night folks. Sweet dreams and big balls.

Maybe. . . just maybe, if I close my eyes and wish really hard

The people who place dogs called our references and then us tonight. Tracy (not sure on the spelling) told me that our references were great, and then I handed the phone to Ti, who was bouncing around me like a puppy.

Tracy is coming to our little piece of heaven to check it out to see if we're dog ready. It may not be the biggest condo in the world, but we have more than enough room for a few pets.

We'll see how it goes. It takes my mind off of next Thursday. And work. God knows I need a distraction from work now. And a genuine reason to want to come home besides the fact it's home.

Changes in lattitude, changes in attitude

We applied to adopt two dogs. Two special dogs. They have their own blog. So we've adopted them so they don't steal my spotlight (just kidding dear) at http://scoutandmolly.blogspot.com/.

We are hoping to hear soon so we can start to clean and plan for the new additions to our family.

Summary of today's lunch

(With thanks to Homer Simpson)

I'll make a wish that can't backfire! I wish for a turkey sandwich, on white bread, with watercress, and tomatoes, and... I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't wanna turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any more weird surprises, you got it! (Brian eats)... Mmm, not bad, nice ranch mayo, good bread, turkeys a little dry... THE TURKEY'S A LITTLE DRY!!!

Back to work.